I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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