I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
bring money and cleavage
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
