why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
