just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
