This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
