We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
