Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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