Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
