Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
