Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
