I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I got inside last night via doggy door
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
