Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
be right there i have to get my cape
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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