He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
