The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
