Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
