It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
