My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
