I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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