yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
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