he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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