Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I cannot find my penis.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
