if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
how drunk are you?
Several
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
