that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
