Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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