PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Houston, we have a squirter
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
