He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
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