$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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