I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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