i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
