maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
