the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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