I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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