nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
