So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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