just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
