i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
