If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize