Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize