I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
