Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
