I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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