so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
