she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
