Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
