im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize