I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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