I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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