There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
