I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Randomize
