Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
