My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
