Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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