You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize