i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
