You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
